The good Lord has been putting me through a lot of trials(test of faith) this semester already.  My remaining balance in my account for the semester is probably around $6,000 due.  I am validated but I don't know if I can still pay for my tuition.  I don't have any money because my "dad" is a cheapskate.  Not even that - I think he purposely wants his children to suffer.  I've had some schloraships from my school given to me but they won't give me a full ride.  I'm really up to my neck with this financial battle I'm going through.
But thats the least of my worries.  I'm actually enjoying Calculus II...I think I'm hitting the books hard - but I'm neglecting my physics book a little bit - so I plan on cramming for this exam on the 6th tonight.  Aside from that everything is fine...my Classics class is amazing and I just love my African American history class as well.
God is good.

Tragically though...I feel lonely.  I honestly had to rethink my address book in my book.  75% of the people in my phone are men...and I am good friends with them but I couldn't confide in them.  The women in my phone are just cool people I talk to from time to time...or at one time in my life was close with.  In particular there was one girl that I was so tight with - like a best friend.  We aren't as cool because of the circumstances that have erupted this year.  I introduced her to a friend of mine and they hit it off.  Now they are about 6+months strong and I'm not in the picture because she is not lonely herself.

Not saying I need a man to "complete" me, but I miss my friend.  I miss having someone to talk to about what outfit is hot, that good looking guy down the hall from us, or just simply hanging out.  We don't hang out as much because our majors are completely different and the work that I am involved in currently this semester.  I feel farther and farther apart from her.:(

I feel lonely...everyone has a best friend.  But not me.

I'm not sure if its the central air or just the thought of him but I'm shivering.  My eyes are watering up.  And my throat is welling up.

Last night, I lifted a lot of baggage out of my closet.  It started with a phone conversation with my ex; lets call him Rob.  I called Rob because I couldn't figure out a physics problem.  I was so confused - and I needed an excuse to call him.  So I found our friend Craig in the library and he gave me the number.  I dialed and held my breathe to what I thought was eternity.

So, the conversation started with me asking if he would help me with a physics problem.  He agreed, wrote down the problem and started the process of figuring out the answer.  Then he asks me, "Why did you call me?"...I didn't want to argue so I bluntly said, "Will you or will you not help me, because I'm stuck and I don't know what to do..." Then he spoke about how I should of called the other physics majors but point to the matter is - I needed to clarify the air with him. I really truly wanted to be in okay terms with him.  The rumors exuberantly hitting our lives about each other was already too much for me.  I had to get back to sanity.

The conversation was too much for the library setting.  I left UGL and ran outside yelling at him like we were together once more.  By the end of the day - it wouldn't work out.  He already gave up in us - as friends or in a relationship.  I ultimately lost his trust because of past conflicts my freshman year with his ex...sophomore year with dating other people, and now because he swears up and down about rumors being true.  I couldn't trust him because his past relationships developing with other females when we were trying to tie things back up together.  I couldn't trust him because when we talked about how we felt about each other he was unsure.  He lied to me numerous occasions.  But by the end of the day - we both lost each others trust.  We couldn't bring it back once more this semester because we just don't trust each other.

To be continued...